By Gary Sprengel

 

It has weighed heavily on my mind, for my entire adult life. The euphoria I will feel when it all falls into place. The immense relief. The ability to finally relax. No more rolling out of bed every morning with an agenda. No more running, running, running; I feel like I’m always running. I have been infatuated with the idea that one day I will have realized everything I have set out to achieve, and I can finally stop running. A time in the not-so-distant future, where I can take pride in multiple accomplishments, milestones, and relationships. I am yearning for that day when I can finally say, “I did it! All of the hard work has paid off!” “I have arrived and can now live life on my terms!” I am certain I will capture that “feeling” one day, or will I? 

 

Remembering a time when I was only a fresh-faced college grad ready to conquer the world, nothing seemed unattainable. The world was like a blank canvas, and I was ready to make my mark. At times, I still long for that invincible feeling again. That time in my life has passed however, and now I’m not so sure that this “one day” thing was a realistic aspiration to begin with.

 

The last thing I want is for this to become some nauseating, clichéd meditation on life being about the journey, and not the destination. Clichés exist for a reason though, so you may have to suffer along here a bit. I have always said the day I wake up without a scheme or Martha Stewart-level organizational project, it’s all over. Just shoot me and dump me in a field. Why get out of bed without goals? Striving, plotting, manipulating, proving people wrong. I need that motivation. I see so many people who already seem to have given up in so many ways. It seems a large majority of the population are just going through the motions, creeping ever so close to a sweet and subtle death. No new challenges, no new interests, no new social groups. I have the same curiosity and hunger I did when I was twenty-five, only less naive, and much more experienced in life itself. 

 

Goals are crucial to our continued life span. I’m not only speaking of large glamorous goals like writing a book, landing your dream job, or owning a home; but even less significant ones like dating your twenty-three camera memory cards, or organizing your sock drawer. We won’t even get into the marriage and children thing. I never want to stop striving, but you can’t let the relentless pursuit of “keeping up with the Joneses” consume you. It’s essential to learn how to relax along the way.  

 

Yet, the question I keep coming back to is "how can one relax while constantly being reminded of their untapped potential"? What happens when you reach a certain age and realize you haven’t reached “society’s” definition of success? When you feel like you’re lagging behind everyone around you. I certainly never imagined that I would still be saying “one day” about so many things, at this age. A gentleman never tells his age, but I will say I clearly remember the Reagan administration. Intelligence was something I always believed I was blessed with, but I have certainly been foolish about a few things, including the lack of understanding that time never was, and never will be infinite. You blink and a decade goes by. Then another. Time is a thief. I knew a lot of people making life plans at twenty-five. I balked, and still kind of do, but at least these people seemed to have a sense of time’s swift passage. 

 

It was a random night driving through Jersey City, when I came up with the idea for this piece. I seem to do my best thinking in the car or the bathroom, which makes it hard to jot down ideas in both situations. This may explain my meandering. By the time I get to pen and paper, my mind has lost the great ideas I had hoped to share.

 

I was on a mission that cold weeknight in February, to ride my Citi Bike in hopes of scoring a few points in my scheme of achieving a year’s free membership. I remember being weary of my plot to save a couple hundred dollars a year through this Citi Bike program. Maybe one day, money will be of no object to me. Will digital coupons always be a focus of mine? Can I bring myself to buy things when they’re not on sale? Will I take the Turnpike and Parkway to the Shore, instead of cutting through Newark on 21 and 22, then taking 9, 18 and 35, so I pay no tolls? The idea escalated from there. One day I wanted to be free of the relentless hustle, but the saving money part may be just too ingrained in me at this point.

 

Let’s meander a bit further and speak about new people for a minute. New friends. Fresh social groups. I know more new people now than I did in my twenties, back when I was still holding on way too tight to college and high school friends. Yes, old friendships should be cherished, but I have become surprisingly open to new ones as I age. This is the polar opposite of my past thought process. There is an idea that social circles become smaller as you age; I’ve experienced the opposite. Not just frivolous acquaintances, either. Genuine deep friendships that mean something to me. Twenty-two to eighty-two, I think all ages have something to offer. You can pare down old connections while making new ones. Not every friendship is meant to go the distance. What the hell does this have to do with my “one day” topic? Well, I think “having it all one day, means having a healthy network of friends and acquaintances, while staying engaged. Sitting at home after retirement and watching TV all day long, was never in the cards for me. 

 

I want to stress something before I wrap up this "wildly inspirational and thoughtful piece". Contrary to what you may believe from reading this, I am far from miserable. In fact, I’m a pretty happy person! Cynical, impatient, and profane, but happy. I know many people who seemingly have it all, and are far more miserable than I am. I used to think I was pretty materialistic, but it turns out, I’m not the biggest Material Boy after all. I have a theory that if I was more obsessed with money and nice things, I might have achieved more of my “one day” goals by now. I may never totally figure it out, but balance is probably the biggest goal. Content, but only to a point. Remaining restless.

 

High school and college classmates have passed, which can give you a perspective about your current reality. I am grateful to still be here, healthy and full of energy.  Just waking up every morning aspiring to one day “have it all”, is something I will never take for granted. I am still not certain of what “having it all” even looks like, but I am thankful and excited nonetheless, for whatever “having it all” or not “having it all” turns out to be.